Picnic

Sabrina: I only kill scary things.
Phil: What, you can’t kill something because it’s scary. Oh, a scary man on the street – I’ll kill him!

Phil: If it were only me and a baby, I’d eat it because it can’t survive without me. I’d feed it with my milk.
Sabrina: It’ll probably only be beer though.
Phil: It would keep it alive and fatty, though. And I’d be a hero. If people came by on a boat they’d see me breastfeed it with beer and be like: that man is a hero!

Mara: I wonder why he [Phil] brought the beer can with him. I hope he doesn’t pee in it – oh no, don’t write that down; he’ll read it!
Phil: Read what?

Mara: [On Janis Joplin] I think she died from drinking and suffocating on her own vomit or something.
Phil: That’s actually how my uncle died, whom I’m named after…

[While discussing Mozart and the film Amadeus]
Phil: Amadeus…is that some music dude?

“If I had 80 camels I’d rule the world!” – Phil

It’s not over yet! – Quotes from Johanne’s birthday party

Johanne: [Eating cake] It’s quite nice but it feels like sand.
Mara: I love the feeling of sand in my mouth; it reminds me of summer.

“Ice cubes are fun! What did I just say?!” – Lauren

Lauren: I am a vintage bread addict!
Weronika: Me too! I sometimes dress as a vintage bread.
Lauren: I am a vintage whore.
Weronika: I’ve never seen someone as horny as when I wear a vintage bra.
Lauren: I’ve never met a vintage bread whore before. I often sell my body for vintage bread. I’m only a student by day, by night I’m a vintage bread whore.
Weronika: When you’re a vintage bread addict you can’t give blood!
Lauren: I’m an E-cup already so I don’t need much padding.

“The vintage bread bra will rock your world Everyone will have one. Boyfriends will nibble our breasts and be satisfied. Then we will conquer the world of vintage bread pants, and they will nibble at them too. It will be tasty.” – Lauren’s advertisement for the Vintage Bread Bra™

“I don’t know what I wrote!” – Lauren

“I can stand as long as I’m on my feet.” – Alex

“Curly man is opposed to the revolution and must be executed INSTANTLY. DIE AAAH CURLY MAN YOU BASTARD.” – A little something scribbled down in Alex’ notebook by Johanne

My Fav

“The funny thing is that as universities gets lesser money, bigger classes and smaller classrooms, there’s some politician saying that things are getting better! They’re giving out more laptops to disadvantaged children who may not be able to eat because the prices are getting higher, but they do have access to the internet, so they can view hamburgers online…”

“Have you been to the third floor [history reception] lately? There is literary no one left! They’ve all resigned or shot themselves.”

John – The Best Of

”You’re a cunt! But as far as cunts go, you are quite a lovely one.”

”Fruit is a kind of…fruit!”

Spoiling everyone’s appetite:
“Mmm, dead animal with a lemon up its bum!”

“You know he touched my penis?! We were on the floor and he was reaching for my hand to squeeze it but then he reached out for my groin and touched my penis!”

“I don’t like making songs about people I know, because then I might say something rude by accident just because it rhymes.”

Shakespearetime

Sam: [Pointing to a picture of an engraved stone] Where do you think this is?
Someone: On capus?
Sam: Anyone else?
Someone: Off campus!
Sam: Well, has to be one of those.

“It’s from 1981 – even I was quite young back then! – Warren

Actor: When playing a woman I got to feel what it is like to be as open and vunerable as women are.
Someone: Oi!
General female audience: [Murmurs angrily]
Warren: [Laughing] I don’t think there are a lot of open and vunerable women here, Dave.

Actor: You look very young, do you know what Monty Python is?
All: YES.

“I’m not an academic, I am not even very bright!” – Dave the Actor

“To cut down to it: you’re asking whether I am using my powers for evil? […] I would never ever use acting to convince someone, say a woman, to believe that I felt something I didn’t, say love.” – Dave the Actor on his epic powers

“I speak like this because I’m from Scotland where it’s freezing cold, so we keep our mouths shut all the time.” – Dave

“Romeo is a posh boy, he’s got an expensive education… [interrupts himself] I’m not judging him or anything, erm…” – Dave

On heartbreak:
Dave: I don’t know if you have ever had your heart broke in that particular way? I have, it’s awful.
Girl: Sorry…
Dave: Thanks! Can we talk afterwards?! We were actually out and about when it happened and she actually named the guy, and I dropped to my knees in a shopping centre going: [flings hos arm dramatically over his head] NOOOOOOO!

Rosie on Hamlet (in the seminar):
”He’s got the right to be indecisive: he’s dealing with life and death, not what to buy for supper.”

Jenni’s getting frustrated again:
“Oh, this is one of those days when I get so confused! I’m sorry. Sack me now! I should just go home and have a lie down. […] You are right and I’m an idiot.”

QMUL in Spring (watch out for squirrels) and randomness

While walking past the Jewish cemetery:
Lauren: I would never walk here after dark.
Alex: Ah, yes, the squirrels…
Lauren: In the dark you can’t see them; you can just hear them. After having one flying over my head I’ve been a bit nervous. I really don’t like those little buggers. I like bunnies even less.
Alex: Had any bad experiences?
Lauren: No, it’s just the way they look at you sometimes: they’re evil. Not as evil as squirrels though, I think that they could take over the world if they decided to. If they stopped only being concerned of nuts and decided to plot.

Angell: They are, I’m not sure if I’m pronouncing this right; Clotho and Lachesis, who knitted a man’s life thread and then cut it, causing him to die. Have you heard this before? Does it ring any bells?
[Silence]
Emma: Ah, yes, they were in Hercules!

”I feel like a grown up now, avoiding walking on snowy areas so I don’t slip.” – Emma

***

A few family quotes from my trips home (I’m Alex):

Mum: What kind of cats are they?
Cousin’s fiancee: Ordinary.

“Oh, my heart is itching… That wasn’t a metaphor.” – Alex

While watching a program about the UK election:
Mum: That little one [David Cameron] looks like a comedian.
Alex: He is, in a way. Everytime he presents a bill or something, people exclaim: “are you kidding?!”

Lastly a bonus quote from Ugly Betty that made me snigger:
Amada: [Looking over Betty’s shoulder at her desktop wallpaper] Are those pictures of your family?
Betty: [Ingdidantly] Amanda, they’re birds!

Miss Windswept, Miss Vintage, Miss Bennett…and Rob, presents

Teatime in Lauren’s kitchen:

“And she keeps asking me if I know what the different vegetables are called, if I have tasted them and if we have them in Germany. I’m a vegetarian! What would I eat else than vegetables?” – Mara

“And then she said: ‘oh, Germany, that’s right next to Asia, isn’t it’?” – Mara

Mara: I don’t understand why people don’t know these things. Like, who doesn’t know where Oslo is?
Alex: Well, most people don’t know where it is.
Lauren: I remember you being so surprised when you told me you came from Oslo and I went ‘that’s the capital, right?’ and you just went “Yes, yes, yes! Yes, it is!”

“And then she asked me if I was Jewish and I replied no. And she went: ‘are you sure?’ ‘Oh, now that you ask I’m not sure! I’ll call my parents. Hello, mum? I didn’t know we were we Jewish? Since when?!’ […] And later he came into my living room and for some reason my grandparents Hanukah chandelier stood on the floor, but they’re not Jewish so I don’t know why they had it. And he just said ‘oh, so you are Jewish?’” – Mara

Lauren: What does he do when he’s taking the underground though, being colour blind? […] They’ve not really thought it through; what colour…coloured…col-
Alex: [Laughing] What coloured people do when they’re taking the tube?
Mara: Oh Lauren, you’re such a rascist. I’m offended, as an Asian, Jewish, Nazi, I’m offended.

Mara on Twilight:
“And how long does it take her to realize that he’s a werewolf? The best part is where the wolves are coming and she’s like ‘run for your life!’ He’s even got the same tattoo as them and they’re wearing identical outfits. It’s not like they’re in a boyband!”

Lauren: You are posh aren’t you? You have ensuite bathroom?
Alex: Yes, I do.
Mara: Oh you’re posh? We can’t hang out with you then as we’re strictly working class people. We’re werewolves and you’re a vampire!
Alex: Hurray, I’m sparkly!

Alex: Oh, you’ve also put up the Globe poster. I have mine on the wall facing my bed so I can look at it.
Lauren: I thought about that, but I’m easily scared. I don’t want to wake up, see the poster and be frightened.
Alex: Frightened by that poster? ‘Oh no! It’s a roof! Help!”
Mara: ‘Wait, something is wrong: there’s a roof on my wall!’

Nine hours of shopping:

“Last night I was so tired that I suddenly began speaking Welsh to myself. It was just random words, because I can’t even speak it properly!” – Lauren, who is going insane

Lauren: ‘Women blink twice as often as men.’
Alex: What?
Lauren: It says so on the Snapple cork.
Alex: Oh, I thought it was just a general observation.

“Wait, let me write that down: ‘women blink twice as often as men’. What’s the drink called? Which date is it today? [Writes] I shall write this down for future generations to enjoy. One day I’ll have enough to just talk like that, ‘a ripe cranberry will bounce.’ I’ll never say anything else than what’s written on the Snapple bottle.” – Mara describes her future plans

“Girls, focus! Focus on what we came here for!” – Mara as Lauren headed for the turquoise 1950-dresses and Alex strolled about hunting for Jane Austen inspired clothing.

Mara being satirical, or how some people (not Lauren, though), thinks that there isn’t any vegetables or spoons in Germany:
Lauren: What are you having?
Mara: It’s just tomato, spinach and such.
Lauren: Your first time isn’t it? How do you like it?
Mara: Oh, vegetables! Can I please eat it with a spoon? Back in Germany I used to eat everything with my hands and I got burned when I tried to eat soup. But now I have a spoon!

Mara being satirical II, or how some people believe that there’s polar bears roaming the streets of Oslo:
“I can imagine you on the tube, right next to a polar bear going: ‘oh, hello, erm… Yes, yes I’m also going off at this station.’ Because everybody knows that polar bears on the tube are completely usual in Oslo.”

Mara: [Picking up a stuffed polar bear] Aleksandra, does this remind you of home?

Alex: [Holding her shopping bag with he teeth while putting on her coat]
Mara: Do you want some help with that?
Alex: Thanks, I’ll manage.
Mara: So that’s how you do it in Norway! You have to carry your bags in your mouth to have your hands free to fight off the polar bears!

Mara: […] I have my wooden spoon and Aleksandra has to defend herself against polar bears…
Lauren: While I run around in Wales with flowers in my hair.
Mara: You know the Oktoberfest, right? I have never been to one, no Germans ever go to them, they’re just for American tourists.
Lauren: But the Welsh stereotype is actually true, though.

While strolling around Strand and Trafalgar Square:
Random 40-50ish business man named James: Oh my god! Here I was thinking it was 2009, but when I look at you it’s suddenly 1949! [Kisses Mara’s hand and goes on talking about how men nowadays never looks at a woman’s face and that the man should never ask for the woman’s number, just give her his and hope she’ll call him] It is like a chocolate he is offering and it is up to her when she will open it. So, could I give you my number?
Mara: Erm…
James: Would you call me back?
Mara: They didn’t have cellphones in 1949.

Alex: [Blocks the way of a random man walking down Regent Street]
Mara: [Sarcastic] Aleksandra, what are you doing?
Alex: I’m dancing with strangers!

Lauren: Do you want some food?
Rob: I didn’t bring a fork.
Mara: Why? I told you to bring a fork, didn’t I?
Rob: Yes, but I didn’t understand what for.
Mara: What did you think?! What did you think we wanted a fork for?
Alex: To poke you with it?
Mara: ‘I have a wooden spoon here in my purse, you brink a fork and let’s fight!’

Rob: The actual Timewarp that’s being danced in clubs all over the country is actually easier. The one in the film is more complicated.
Mara: Erm, it’s just a jump to the left and seven steps to the right?
Alex: And then your hands on your hips.
Mara: How is that complicated?
Alex: Well, I suppose it is if you don’t have any legs or arms.
Mara: [Laughing] You can still wriggle your hips, though!

Lauren: I can’t remember if I read that somewhere or Stephen Fry told me.
Alex: I don’t think Stephen Fry told you it personally! It was probably on QI.
Lauren: That would have been something! [Mimes she’s on the phone] ‘Hello, this is Stephen Fry, I was just calling to say that [random fact]. That’s all, bye Lauren!’

Mara, to Rob: “You can’t kill someone. You can’t even run!”

While watching Some Like It Hot:
Mara: Where did she [Marilyn Monroe] get the ice from?!
Alex: It’s winter, so she probably broke it off from the roof of the train or something.
Mara: Well, that’s perhaps how you do it in Norway, but…

Shakespeare, Oscar Wilde and dancing

Lauren’s birthday:

“I’m tipsy, but not drunk, I think. Or, I couldn’t write an essay, but I can dance!” – Lauren

Alex: Hello.
Keeren: Hello. [Looking at the full glass of Baileys she just poured herself] Oh, I’m not supposed to have this much, am I?!
Alex: Probably not?
Sabrina: [Introducing Alex to Kereen] Well, this is Kereen – the alcoholic!

 

Overheard in the Shakespeare seminar, or how Lauren and Dan are unable to communicate properly:

Lauren: What are we going to replace “creeping wind” with? Murky?
Dan: Erm…
Lauren: …
Dan: Did you just say “lurking”?
Lauren: No! I said “murky”
Dan: Oh, I thought you said “lurking” and I wondered how it would be. The wind just blowing in from the ocean, standing still, lurking, then grabbing some children and returning to the ocean again…

“Did you just say ‘daffy’? Daffy duck?!” – Lauren

“Why does everything I read turn into a musical in my head?!” – Dan

Lauren: The Picture of Dorian Gray was awful.
Alex: They made him heterosexual…
Dan: How is that even possible?
Alex: I know, I mean; it’s Oscar Wilde!
Dan: He’s probably being all [rolls his eyes] right now. Just like Shakespeare when we translated his speech today.
Lauren: You know, that’s probably what the director and scriptwriter did; use about an hour in a café scribbling down something on the back of a sandwich carton.
Dan: They knew nothing about Oscar Wilde and just watched that Blackadder episode where he’s described as “the terror of the ladies” and then went “oh! That’s true!” It would explain a lot.

“My essays are like, first they are really academic and then the conclusion is just… It’s like an old, bespectacled, sweet man who goes “it’s like this, and this and this” and then he suddenly catches fire! That’s what my essays are like.” – Dan

“Oh, and then we loaded the truck with all our luggage and alcohol and stuff and we didn’t know how low it was until we drove over a speed bump and the whole bottom of the car got smashed! It was hilarious, not to the guy who owned the car, but to us because we were listening to “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen and being gleeful in the back seat. It was great.” – Dan

Lauren: And we stayed at this hotel, which is the best gay hotel in the country and they must have believed that Mara and I were lesbians as we slept in the same bed. […] …because she’s from Frankfurt and they don’t have boys. Or, I’m not saying that there are no boys in Frankfurt, but…
Dan: [Interrupting] Frankfurt, the great lesbian city!

Lauren: My former teacher used to model during his spare time.
Dan: Oh, I thought you said “muggle” and I thought “wow, you must have gone to a magical school or something” and that your teacher liked to pretend that he was a muggle.

There’s no place like London

Sarah, on Tipping the Velvet:
“It was a lovely adaptation, but the thing is; the scene where she [Nan] faints at her [Flo’s] door? I mean, she manages to walk about while being sick, and then collapsing at the doorstep of the only other lesbian in London! I’m like; why, how, does she have a lesbian radar or something – can I have one too?”

Sara: Here, I rolled you a few cigarettes, now you’re stocked up.
Bertie: I can pass them around, pretending that I’ve suddnely learned how to make them myself.
Sara: I think they’re alright, but I always roll them too tight, so they can be a bit weird.
Bertie: As long as they don’t explode in my face!
Sara: Oh, that happened to me once, I rolled one with gunpowder in it.
Bertie: What?!
Sara: Well, I didn’t mean too, it was an accident.
Bertie: How do you smoke gunpowder by accident?!

On smoking while re-enacting:
“Obviously we’re carrying weapons, so we aren’t allowed to smoke while handling the powder and such, but I asked if we could smoke while were marching and they were like: “sure, as long as you can march at the same time.” So I began preparing it and apparently I had gunpowder on my fingers from earlier and that went into the tobacco. It didn’t explode or anything, but when I smoked it small sparks flew out of the end. So there I was, marching along with sparks coming out of my mouth. I never managed to do it again, I guess it was the certain combination of tobacco and gunpowder that did it.”

On Maggie Thatcher:
Sara: There’s one story about a journalist who went to speak with Thatcher – she was pregnant and she had to go to the toilet all the time, but Thatcher said to her that one only needs to go to the toilet two times a day: when you wake up and before you go to bed. She was scary, she was, all iron…
Bertie: No she wasn’t, she was all bladder. Maggie Thatcher: 10% evil and 90% bladder!

“[…] bortsett fra mattelærere: de har ingen sjel! Jeg skal aldri slutte å være pretensiøs – da dør jeg!” – Bertie

(” […] except for math teachers: they have no soul! I am never going to stop being pretentious – then I’d die!”)

It’s a matter of point of view

Peter Howarth, about point of view (in literature):
“You can hear me speak now, but you cannot see into my mind. Were this a novel called Confessions of an English Lecturer, I would say: For instance, said Peter, you can hear me speak now, but you cannot see into my mind. And thank god for that, he thought to himself, looking up with mingled apprehension and distaste at the mass of sleepy, bored students, furiously trying to pen down the obvious, making it understandable.”

Richard Bourke, in the Intellectual History lecture:
“So, how was the Roman government organised? [Suddenly, from the room above: working sounds; drilling and hammering] Oh no [sighs]. They’re here to prosecute me!”

Questier on the division of power and politics:
“So, how should one decide who gets the power, who gets to be in charge? What about duels? A fight to death with lances? The only problem is how to find a spear long enough to go through Nicholas Soames. I mean, come on; what is his slogan: ‘Vote obesity’?!”

Questier: Machiavelli is under the impression that the Prince, the leader should be charming. Is that a fact? Does a leader have to be pretty? Erhm, Gordon Brown isn’t exactly…
Girl: Well, he could have been worse looking.
Questier: What about Cameron? Are you captivated by his etonian charm?
Girl: [With an expression of utter horror] Oh, no, not at all!